I vaguely remember selling “stuff” for school fundraising in elementary. But in middle and high school, I certainly remember selling Boy Scout popcorn, magazines, candy bars and even koozies — often door to door. I also remember my parents taking the sign-ups to work and coming home with sales.

Oh, and all so I could win a stupid prize — probably something cheap, that although coveted in the prize catalog, would quickly lose my interest within hours of earning it.

My preschooler just brought home the catalog and sales sheets for his very first school fundraiser, and I’m sincerely impressed at how horrible the offerings are.

Turtle and Dolphin Poncho:

It’s Easy Being Green Ball Cap:

Raccoon, Duck and Butterfly Coffee Mug:

Tiger and Stallion T-shirts:

BUT then I turned the page and something mystical happened. My heart started beating fast, and I broke into a cold sweat. My wife ran into the kitchen and threw herself into my arms. Neither of us could take our eyes off the catalog. It was… it must be..but it can’t…but it was… a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt!

If you’re not familiar, a Three Wolf Moon shirt similar to this one has become a popular culture meme thanks to user-generated reviews on Amazon.

For example:

This video is living proof that you will get women, and fly. Most importantly my son was born without bones and when I put this shirt on him he grew bones. Don’t ask me how it happened but the magic is there

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.

As the UPS truck was driving down the street with my delivery, my female neighbors began opening their doors and stepping outside. I suspect the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt contains powerful lupine pheromones…

The Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt gave me a +10 resistance to energy attacks, +8 Strength, and added 30 feet to my normal leap…

Since owning the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt, I have successfully solved 7 crimes in my city, including 4 cold case murders. The local police force is currently wishing to retain my services.

I do have one complaint, and that’s that I must stay indoors on windy days. Last fall we had a windy day and I received notice that hundreds of women were suddenly pregnant, carrying my offspring, up to 12 miles away.

And although this is a slightly different design, this is by far the gem of the catalog. And at $16, it’s really a steal. I was so pumped to bring it to work and show it off.

This unintentional sale of a wearable meme got me thinking how much better school fundraisers would be if they sold pop culture tchotchkes, like a Star Trek pizza cutter from ThinkGeek.com or red Swingline staplers. Nobody really “needs” what’s being sold in these fundraisers (e.g., magazine subscriptions, chocolate, etc), so why not sell really compelling stuff that people don’t need?

So back to the t-shirt in question — I think you should buy one. Although I can’t promise it will help you swim in a sea of babes or help you cure athletes foot, I think this video speaks for itself:

If you’re interested in buying something to help out the preschoolers, shoot me a note. See you at the next full moon.